Wednesday, November 28, 2007


My boss's publicist called me today because another one of her clients, a seriously b-list babe named Kim Something, is moving to NYC and needs an assistant. She was wondering if I knew anybody...

I suggested Law, my friend and co-writer of my genius, undoubtedly soon-to-be-produced television pilot. He is organized, enthusiastic and broke. Plus, he has seen me in the throws of my professional challenges (Oh no! Boss lost the AC adapter to his favorite UK-purchased personal DVD player. Whatever am I to do?! To Radio Shack, Cabbie! On the double!) so he knows what to expect.

To my suggestion the publicist responded:
"Is he gay?"

Implication: Not gay? Not interested. And poor Law is married. To a woman.

What is this, some kind of reverse homophobia? Affirmative Action for the light-footed among us? Is a homo more equipped to book a table than a straight dude? Better at buying sliced turkey or light bulbs?

The gays have been taking jobs from straight women for years now: Interior decorator, makeup artist, aerobics instructor, arm candy. Now they are taking jobs from straight men? When will it stop? Soon we non-queers will be made irrelevant!

And then I realized...what we had on our hands was the makings for a fantastic new sitcom.

20-something single male pretends to be gay so he can work his dream job--assistant to obscure TV actress! Hijinks ensue when he has to keep his over-active love life a secret from his boss---quite possibly the only woman he really loves!!

I knew that prejudice had it's benefits.


Anonymous said...

hilarious. The blog, I mean- the implications of her question are rediculous. Really, how hot is this b-lister, as in, is it truly impossible for a male personal assistant to not want to sleep with her on day 1?!?!

Vicki said...

Oh My God, you / we / someother reader with less integrity and more drive, simply HAS to make that sitcom! Sexy Straight Dude talks Old School Friend - who simply happens to own every Debbie Harry album ever made, be a super chef, and lusts after The Man In The Gym - into sharing a flat with him, so as to secure Top Job in office with Hot Bitch Boss who has decided after a string of unsuccessful relationships that Gay Men are the only men to have in one's life. Gossipy Receptionist takes a shine to Sexy Straight Dude and threatens at every turn to accidentally uncover his dastardly secret - that, gasp, he fucks women not men!- leading Sexy Straight Dude to go to ever more hilarious lengths to keep his secret from Hot Bitch Boss who, alas alack, he would really like to do nothing more to than Give Her A Good Seeing To....


Kate said...

Darling -
Any chance of getting you to join us for an Experimental Theater tenth anniversary weekend this spring? We'd love to see you.
- Kate (Connors)